Backstreet Magpies, part 1: The Iruvian Job

The same awful people you've previous seen in Noghri Death Squad and Diversity Hires take on Blades In The Dark.  For some reason I decided to write up this campaign as a script for a TV show.  Forget Peaky Blinders and get ready for the Backstreet Magpies.

Cast:
GUNNER, the Hound.  Skovlander, talks slowly and loudly due to accent.
THE NARRATOR, the Cutter.  Talks about himself in the third person as much as possible.
PSYCHO THERAPIST, the Whisper.  Dating some kind of demonic entity.
SWITCH, the Leech. Iruvian, enjoys being mysterious.

EPISODE 1

Exterior: a rooftop. It is dark. Four figures are crouched around a skylight. One speaks in a whisper.

FIGURE: I thought we were supposed to be going in through an unlocked window?

Title card: 6 hours earlier

Interior: part of a warehouse run by the Red Sash. PSYCHO THERAPIST and SWITCH are attending a private art exhibition. The former is looking dapper in tweed and a top hat while the latter wears the traditional mask and robes of an Iruvian.

SWITCH: I think you'll find these are Iruvian dildos. And I very much appreciate the opportunity to admire the historical artifacts of my culture.

PSYCHO THERAPIST is attempting to jam a window catch to enable it to be opened from the outside. Unfortunately he slips. The window remains functional, while the table he was balancing on does not. Guards appear.

PSYCHO THERAPIST: Terribly sorry, I was attempting to smoke heroin out of the window to avoid damaging the artifacts.

Somehow they get away with it.

Back on the rooftop, GUNNER has brought a set of burglary tools, which SWITCH uses to silently open the skylight. They all descend on a rope. THE NARRATOR leads them silently through the warehouse to the special exhibition, a stressful experience for him given that SWITCH is not remotely stealthy and GUNNER isn't much better. A small child is in the exhibition room, presumably as a guard, but not very effectively since they're asleep. The crew load up bags with ancient erotica and make for the exit. The guards have become aware of their presence, but Gunner throws his grappling hook at the skylight and they all climb to freedom.

Later, the crew have fenced the haul but have got word that one of their gang (STEVE) has been doing inappropriate things in public with historical dildos. They are forced to take a hit to their reputation by dealing with him rather than risk the wrath of the Red Sash. THE NARRATOR recovers from the stress of dragging these unstealthy people around by reading some penny dreadfuls.

EPISODE 2

Disappointed by the lack of violence in the dildo heist, THE NARRATOR and GUNNER plan an assault on the armoured coach that carries the money from the Red Sash's gambling dens.

Exterior: a bridge, where GUNNER and THE NARRATOR are waiting for the coach. SWITCH and PSYCHO THERAPIST wait in the shadows nearby. The coach arrives, and THE NARRATOR and GUNNER jump down onto the roof. Guns blazing, they start taking out the guards as the coach comes to a halt. PSYCHO THERAPIST joins the fight. Noticing that the coach is armoured and locked, SWITCH pulls out a grenade.

CHORUS: You're only supposed to blow the bloody doors off!

SWITCH proceeds with precision accuracy to blow the bloody doors off. THE NARRATOR jumps inside to deal with the guards inside. GUNNER continues shooting from the roof, narrowly avoiding shooting his own feet off. PSYCHO THERAPIST and SWITCH take out the rest of the guards.

The noise they've made has attracted unwanted attention and Red Sash reinforcements are on their way. The strongboxes are heavy - too heavy to carry away, and attempting to flee with the coach isn't exactly stealthy. Fortunately, PSYCHO THERAPIST has a plan.

Title card: 2 hours earlier

PSYCHO THERAPIST is studying the area with a map of the city.

PSYCHO THERAPIST: So the bridge is here and the nearest access to the sewers is here, so if we can stop the coach here...

Fade to: the current time

The sewer grate is hauled up and the strongboxes are dropped down to where STEVE and JEFF wait with a raft to carry them away.

Interior: the basement of the Leaky Bucket that the crew calls home. They divide up the money, reserving enough to pay their tithe to the Crows. They discuss how they're going to recover from this very stressful job. THE NARRATOR has got some new books to read. GUNNER is off to spend some time with the horde of orphans he cares for. PSYCHO THERAPIST is planning some kind of weird ritual. SWITCH thinks they're all mad, and is off the the brothel for some proper stress relief.

Cut to: Upstairs in the pub, where STEVE is boasting about how the crew have taken on the Red Sash twice now and kicked their arses. The crew grab him and drag him outside where he is publicly shot. It's another hit to their reputation, but at least the Red Sash are mollified - for now.