Sometimes I find after a particularly memorable game that my character won't shut up until I write a piece of short fiction about what happened next. So here's a follow-up piece to the Broken Walls campaign. I wrote this with assistance from Nathan's player, as he features heavily here and I wanted to get the characterisation right. Content warnings for self harm and suicide.
“Izzy, give me the knife.”
It hadn’t been easy, looking after Izzy these last few weeks. There was a time when Beatrice had thought a ‘bad day’ for Izzy just meant one where she couldn’t work, until a plea for help had shown her how much worse it could be. It had been Raven who’d kept her going through the really bad days, when even getting out of bed was a challenge.
Beatrice was doing her best, but her best clearly wasn’t good enough, or Izzy wouldn’t now be slumped against the wall of the shower cubicle, holding a kitchen knife in her hand, with blood dripping from her stump.
“I killed him, Beatrice.”
And that was the problem, wasn’t it? Izzy hadn’t only lost her main source of support. The bastard had gone and nobly sacrificed himself without even thinking what it was going to do to the people he left behind. Let alone the one who had to actually hold the knife.
“Izzy, please. You’re scaring me.”
Was that the right thing to say? Beatrice didn’t know, but it was the truth. Izzy might be hard work, but she was also the only person who really understood what Beatrice was going through right now. Raven’s death was part of it, but who else could she talk to about going to hell, or having a Roman soldier in your head? Especially when said Roman soldier was making her heart beat faster at the sight of a bleeding wound.
“All that shit he went through because of me and I couldn’t save him. It should have been me who died down there. I can’t let the same happen to you.”
Izzy’s voice was shaking, and she held the knife in a white knuckle grip. The next cut was deeper, drawing a gasp of pain along with the sudden flow of blood which dripped onto the cubicle floor.
“Oh for…Izzy, no!” Anger was rising in her now; a burning rage at a world that had brought them to this point. At the demons who’d caused it all. At Raven, for leaving her in this situation. At Izzy, for making her feel this way. Izzy, for trying to pull the same stupid shit as Raven. Izzy, with a head full of powerful magic she was too scared to use. Izzy, still the same pathetic creature, unworthy of Huldra, expecting other people to solve her problems for her. Why hadn’t she stabbed the little coward in that cathedral when she had the chance?
The fight was brief and one sided. Izzy wasn’t even looking when the attack came. She was still struggling with her missing hand, and Manius knew how to fight dirty. By the time Beatrice came back to her senses she was sitting in the shower cubicle with one arm pinning Izzy’s arms to her sides and the other holding the knife at her throat. Horrified, she flung it away from herself, watching it skitter across the tiled floor and ricochet behind the toilet. Then she was crying, embracing Izzy as both of them poured out apologies, tears and snot mixing with the blood on the floor.
Half an hour later, Izzy was curled up on the sofa with her arm bandaged, drugged on fuck knows what from the remains of Raven’s stash, while Beatrice tried to figure out what to do. She needed to sleep. There was the shop to open in the morning, and she couldn’t afford a day off, especially with Izzy still incapable of work. But she couldn’t leave Izzy alone, and she wasn’t even sure she could trust herself to take care of her right now. What the fuck was she going to do?
*****
Nathan was no stranger to awkward silences, but this one was going to take some beating. His sister was pretending to read some romance novel, but he could feel her glaring at him across the table. Words were entirely unnecessary at this point. He was in her house for one reason and one reason alone. Zack wanted him there. And when it came down to it, she loved her son more than she hated her brother. But that didn’t mean she had to speak to him.
Nathan, for his part, was pretending to be absorbed in his phone, but was really contemplating how badly he was failing his nephew. He was stronger than he’d ever been, pretty much unkillable now, and he would have kicked the shit out of any number of monsters for Zack. But the monsters were all in the kid’s head.
The nameless priestess from his past life had power. Power that could have been his, if only he’d thought to take it. Power that he could be using now to help his nephew. Instead of just being here. Doing nothing.
Both of them jumped when his phone broke the silence. Still his sister said nothing, although her expression spoke louder than words. Take that shit outside. You don’t do business in my house. He got up and walked to the front door, pulling out his phone as he went and answering without thinking, but almost stopped in his tracks when he saw the name on the caller ID. Isabella May.
“Nathan!” Except that definitely wasn’t Izzy’s voice.
“Beatrice? Why are you calling on Izzy’s phone?”
“Because she has your number in her contacts and I don’t, and I didn’t want to...fuck, don’t distract me. She needs help. And don’t fucking hang up. You know what she did for us. You owe her.”
Nathan had been on the point of hanging up when Beatrice’s voice had suddenly raised in volume. Instead he sighed and put the phone back to his ear.
“What do you want?”
“A babysitter. She’s suicidal, I need to sleep, and I’ll sleep better if I’m not worrying about whether I’m going to wake up with blood all over the bathroom. So if you don’t want another trip to fucking Highgate in the next couple of weeks, get your arse over here now.”
Fuck. This was not what he needed. He’d promised Zack he’d be there for him, any time, and right now that often meant the middle of the night when the kid woke up screaming. Beatrice did have a point. Without Izzy, Zack wouldn’t be here to have nightmares. But here and now, Zack had to come first.
And then the answer came to him.
*****
“Do you really have to take her?”
“That’s the deal. I’ll watch her, but I can’t stay here.”
Beatrice had answered the door dressed in pyjamas and with a joint dangling from her fingers. Nathan braced himself for the inevitable coughing fit as the stench of skunk filled his lungs, but of course it never came. That little problem had been dealt with.
Beatrice’s flat reminded Nathan of her. There was something loud and in-your-face about the brightly coloured decor that suited her well. It didn’t suit Izzy, who was huddled under a garishly patterned blanket looking about as happy as she had when Mary had summoned the ghost of Lily-Rose into her flat. All the same, it was a shock when Beatrice pulled back the blanket and he saw the bloodstains on her clothes and the bandages on her stump of an arm. He’d hoped ‘suicidal’ was an exaggeration, meant to get his attention and cooperation. Those bandages said otherwise.
Suddenly he began to doubt his plan. Izzy was further gone than he expected. Was she even capable of doing what he wanted? Not that he could back out now, with Beatrice already pushing a stumbling Izzy towards him.
She offered no resistance as he half-walked, half-carried her down the stairs and into his car. She barely seemed to acknowledge his presence. They were halfway back to his sister’s house when she finally spoke, in a voice just on the edge of slurring.
“You don’t have to do this. Let me out somewhere. I’ll save everyone the trouble.”
This was bad. Nathan hit the central locking on the car, as a sudden vision of her jumping out of the moving vehicle came into his head. Even if she was going to be no use to him, he’d taken responsibility for her now.
“No. I’ve got a job for you.”
Her exhale was audible. “I don’t do the PI shit any more. If you think she’s cheating, she probably is.” This was better. Her voice was still slurred and lethargic, but at least he’d got her to think about something else..
“Not that kind of job.” He was starting to get her attention now, that was clear. “It’s my nephew. The one Piper got to. He’s having nightmares. You’re going to help him.”
And now the change was clearly visible. Hardly the same upright confident Izzy who’d found him at the base of the tower, but still, an Izzy who might actually be of some use after all.
*****
Nathan’s sister had a way of whispering that somehow managed to convey all the same emotions as screaming in your face, and she was making full use of it now. Failing to resist a smile when she started insulting his parentage hadn’t helped.
“Do you even give a shit about him? He’s calling your name in his sleep and you’re out picking up some…”
Whatever word she’d been about to use died in her throat when her eyes finally focused on Izzy. Nathan took the opportunity to get a few words in.
“Shut the fuck up and listen. You know the therapy isn’t working. Zack needs help. Real help, from experts, and that’s what she is.” He could read the obvious scepticism in his sister’s eyes. “I know, she looks like shit and stinks of weed, but right now she’s our best shot at getting him some sleep.”
He could see she was softening. Izzy’s appearance might even be helping. Someone that small and pathetic was probably triggering her maternal instincts.
“Fine.” His sister sat back down at the table, reaching for her book with one hand and resting her head on the other. “Do it, whatever it is. I just want my boy back.”
Nathan hustled Izzy up the narrow staircase towards Zack’s room before his sister could change her mind. He could hear his nephew before he saw him, restless in his sleep and mumbling words of distress. There wasn’t much that could hurt Nathan these days, but this did it every time.
“We tried waking him up. Didn’t help.” Izzy was nodding. “You can help him, right?”
“I can find him.” Nathan didn’t find that very reassuring. “But I’ll need you with me. He won’t recognise me, and it’s going to be dangerous.”
“How does that work then? Are you going to need another memory?” He hoped not; the pain of having a spear pulled out of his chest had been inconsequential compared to that of having a memory ripped out of his head. But she was shaking her head.
“No need. I’ll find you first. It’ll be easier if we sleep together.”
That was a surprise, and not as welcome as it might have been under other circumstances. Sure, it wouldn’t be his first time engaging in that kind of intimate ritual, but after all they’d been through it felt weird to think of Izzy that way. And was it even right when she was still visibly drugged?
“Shit. No. I meant actual sleep. Close together. Sorry.”
Well that did make sense, now he came to think about it. Not having to weigh Zack’s plight against Izzy’s altered state of mind was a relief, and from the colour in her cheeks she was clearly embarrassed enough for the both of them.
The box room next to Zack’s bedroom had enough room for a single bed and not a lot else. Nathan was about to suggest Izzy get changed in the bathroom until he remembered she was also on suicide watch. At least the cramped conditions played in his favour there. Wedged in between him and the wall, Izzy was going to have to work pretty hard to get out without waking him up, if that was her plan.
She fell asleep before him though, succumbing quickly to whatever drugs she was on once she had the chance. Sleep suited her, smoothing away all the pains of the waking world. For a few minutes Nathan lay awake, listening to the rhythmic sound of her breathing, a stark contrast with Zack’s cries of distress from next door. Then he closed his own eyes.
*****
Izzy faced Nathan across what appeared to be a perfect replica of the dining room they’d recently left, feeling self conscious. The robe wasn’t exactly her normal style of dress, but it felt right. Nathan didn’t seem to have noticed though.
“Have you found him yet?”
“Yes. But you know where he’s going to be, right? And who’s with him?”
“The cathedral.” Nathan nodded. “And Piper.”
“I’ll handle her.” Izzy tried to sound confident. “You get Zack. It’ll be better for him to see a familiar face.”
She knew this part of Limbo well. She’d spent a lot of her own nightmares here, after all. Getting to Zack wasn’t the problem. Getting there safely was another matter. The hulking presence of Nathan helped though, and when things started to get too much for her she had him put his hands over her eyes and guide her.
“Just walk in a straight line. It’s best if I don’t see this.”
So he did, and the two of them made it to the cathedral with mind and body still intact. Which just left one problem. Well, several problems. The monstrous figure of Piper Phillips bending over Zack, and a hoard of flayed corpses standing in their way.
“Nathan?” She’d told him to leave Piper to her, but from the way he was looking at her, Izzy could see that wasn’t going to happen. Then he was off and running, screaming with rage as he charged through the corpses, ignoring the claws raking his skin in his desperation to get to Piper.
Izzy could feel it again. The sense of doom, the crushing weight, the spiral starting to drag her down. She couldn’t do it. There were too many of them. Nathan was getting mobbed and they were advancing on her too. Why had she ever come back to this place?
Except this wasn’t the cathedral in Inferno, was it? This was Limbo, and in Limbo she was strong. The obsidian knife was in her hand the moment she desired it,slicing cleanly through flesh to draw the blood she needed. As the first of the flayed corpses reached out for her she dropped the knife and stretched out her arm to leave a bloody handprint on the creature’s chest.
“Meus,” she whispered in a trembling voice, and at once it turned to do her bidding. The magic spread like a virus, passed on by touch, and while she could barely make out her mark on the dark red bodies, their behaviour told her which were hers.
They weren’t here for a fight. They were here to find Zack. Except Nathan, free of flayed corpses, had thrown himself at the monstrous Piper. She in turn was laughing, a mocking laugh as she ignored his fists. Even over Nathan’s shouts, Izzy could hear her quiet words.
“You should have heard him beg.”
“Nathan. She’s not real.” The nightmares Izzy had claimed for herself formed a path to let her approach, but he wasn’t listening to her. He was never going to listen to sense, she realised as she watched him, not when Piper was involved. Or Zack.
“Nathan, Zack needs you!” As if on cue, the young man let out a cry of pain. “We don’t have much time. You have to free him!”
She didn’t know if it was her words or Zack’s cries or the two together, but Nathan did draw back from Piper. Izzy sent in her nightmares. They wouldn’t hold Piper back for long, but they didn’t need long. Her knife was in her hand again, but it was hardly needed. Nathan was ripping Zack’s restraints apart with his bare hands. Then, even as Piper was fighting her way towards them, Zack was free. Izzy wrapped an arm around each of them, closed her eyes, and walked.
*****
“Are we safe here?” Nathan was staring at her with an urgent expression while a terrified Zack clung to his arm.
“We’re safe. This is my place. Nothing gets in without my permission.” Izzy wasn’t entirely sure that was true. She didn’t have quite as much control over this place as she would have liked. She’d managed to get rid of the maggot-filled whiteboard, but in its place the wall had started growing flowers. White lilies, red roses. Not very subtle on the symbolism. But it was her place, and if it wasn’t completely safe, it was certainly defensible.
Zack had noticed her now, and pride was forcing him to pretend he wasn’t a blubbering mess and attempt to talk like an adult.
“Uncle Nate? Where are we? What’s going on? Who’s that?”
“This is Izzy. She’s a…an old friend.” And he shot her a look clearly intended to convey that she should handle the more metaphysical questions.
“You were having a nightmare,” she told Zack as he attempted to surreptitiously scrub the tears from his face. “Your uncle asked me to find you and I brought you here. This is my sanctuary.”
“So…she can’t find me here?”
“No. You’re safe.”
The mask was already starting to slip, and at those last words, Zack’s pride failed him. Izzy looked desperately at Nathan, but he looked even more nonplussed than her. He’d never exactly been the touchy feely type after all.
Helplessly she looked around the room, at the wall of shining golden writing, and the wall of flowers, where a few red rose petals had fallen onto the bed, looking like splashes of blood on the dark bedclothes. Raven would have known what to do. He always knew what to do when she had a nightmare.
That memory hurt. It hurt so much that even dwelling on it for a few moments meant she could hardly breathe. But Zack needed her to remember.
He would hold her hands in his, to let her feel that he was there. Then, if she wanted to talk, there would be the left hand on her back, a move carefully calculated to leave his right hand free for note taking. Those ridiculous frilly shirts he used to wear would soak up any tears while she poured out the details of her nightmares into his shoulder.
She didn’t have a right hand, or a frilly shirt, but Izzy cautiously reached out to take Zack’s hand. He glanced at Nathan, apparently for approval, and then much to Izzy’s surprise, flung both arms around her and buried his face in the folds of her robe.
*****
Nathan woke up with his arms full of soft, warm flesh, and remembered whose flesh it was just in time to stop him investigating any further. Izzy was also stirring, her own reaction one of momentary panic before recognition dawned.
“That…went well?” Izzy spoke in a whisper, and then they both fell silent, listening. Zack was stirring on the other side of the wall, and Nathan could hear his sister’s footsteps and gentle knock at her son’s door.
“Morning, Mum. Thanks for the tea.”
“How did you sleep?” His sister sounded hesitant and worried.
“Pretty good, actually. Is Uncle Nate still here?”
“Yes, love.”
“I’d like to see him.”
Nathan was already flinging the bedclothes aside when he heard that final sentence, and narrowly avoided being hit in the face when his sister opened the door to the tiny box room.
“He wants to…” But his sister’s words died on her lips as she looked past Nathan into the tiny room. He turned round instinctively to look at Izzy, now lying uncovered on bare sheets. Sheets now stained a vivid scarlet.
Blood. Her bandaged arm was soaked through and it had spread across her and the bedsheet in a gory mess that he had no idea how he was going to explain. He could hardly tell his sister that she’d bled herself in a dream to do magic and…
“I’m so sorry. I’ve come on early.”
And then his sister was all sympathy, and Izzy was dispatched to the bathroom with a variety of mysterious packages, and Nathan was ushered into Zack’s room in what was certainly the friendliest interaction he’d had with his sister in years.
“Morning, Uncle Nate.” Zack looked at his mum. “Um. I’d like to talk to Uncle Nate in private, if that’s OK?”
It clearly wasn’t OK, but she did leave the room and shut the door behind her. All the same, Zack glanced towards the door and lowered his voice to speak.
“I had the nightmare again,” he said. “But this time it was different. You came and got me away from…from…”
“Her,” Nathan interjected. Zack hadn’t been able to hear the name Therese without obvious distress, let alone say it himself.
“Her. And then we were sitting in a flat, and there was a woman with a missing hand, and somehow it felt different to all the other nightmares, and it’s the best night’s sleep I’ve had since…you know. But what does it all mean?”
The sound of a running shower was audible from the bathroom. Nathan remembered belatedly that he was supposed to be keeping an eye on Izzy. But he couldn’t exactly walk in on her showering, could he? Well he could…but Zack needed him. Nathan took a deep breath.
“The woman with one hand is a magician. I’ve seen her summon things right out of dreams - she calls it Limbo. So I asked her to help you. She found you in the nightmare and we took you out of there to a safe place.”
This was not having the effect he had hoped for. It was a lot to take in, sure, but Zack was getting more and more agitated.
“No, that can’t be right. I thought I was getting better. I thought I imagined you in my dream so that you’d come and help me.” He started to tremble. “That can’t be right, because that would mean I’m still broken and I’m never going to get better.”
Fuck, this was even worse than he imagined. The look on Zack’s face was one he’d seen before. Last night, when he’d picked up Izzy.
“Get out!”
He went back to the box room, for want of anywhere else to go. The bed had been stripped, so he sat down on the bare mattress and started packing up the few belongings he’d brought with him. His sister would throw him out the moment she got a look at Zack, so he might as well be ready.
He was zipping up the bag when Izzy rejoined him, clean, damp, and with fresh bandages on her arm. She looked at him, then at the bag.
“Did it work?”
“It worked.” Nathan got to his feet. “It didn’t fucking help!”
Izzy stumbled back against the door, seemingly propelled by the force of his voice alone. Which didn’t make him feel any better. This wasn’t her fault. He sat down again.
“He thought the dream meant that he was getting control back. When I told him it was us who did it…that broke him.”
After a few moments Izzy came and sat down beside him. He ignored her. This was his fuck up to deal with. Not that he had any ideas. Life had been so much simpler when looking out for Zack just meant handing him a few tenners and roughing up the odd troublemaker.
“It helped me.” Nathan almost jumped as Izzy’s voice broke the silence. “Last night, when you asked for my help. I felt like there might be some point to my existence. At least for a few more hours. You can tell Beatrice that.”
He’d broken her too, he realised. Pulled her away from the edge and then pushed her straight back again. Well, he had to get out of this house anyway. He just had to keep her alive long enough to get her home and she could go back to being Beatrice’s problem. He got to his feet and pulled her up after him. At least he could use her as an excuse for rushing off so soon.
Except when he passed Zack’s bedroom door he could hear the boy crying.
*****
Izzy found herself shoved unceremoniously into Zack’s bedroom. She’d been trying to think of a way to get herself away from Beatrice after the previous night’s events. But then Nathan had stopped in his tracks, and spoken to her in an angry, desperate whisper.
“The job’s not finished yet.”
So now she was in a room with Zack, with no idea what to do. She’d tried to help him sleep. She should have known that would backfire. Raven had tried to help her sleep, and it had got him dragged into Inferno, tortured by Mildred, and ultimately killed. By her.
She sank to the floor, overwhelmed by the agony of the memory that was slowly killing her. Time was supposed to ease the pain, but how could time make it any easier to bear? She had to get out of here. The kid had his own problems. He shouldn’t have to see this.
“You’re the dream lady, aren’t you?”
She hadn’t even seen Zack get out of bed. It was pride again, making him attempt to hold it together now he had an audience. She managed a nod.
“Why are you crying?”
She couldn’t answer that one. It hurt too much to think about, let alone get the words out.
“Sorry. Rude to ask.” A few moments of silence, and then a sudden flood of words poured out. “I was crying because Mum wants me to get better, and she’s sending me to this therapist but I can’t tell him about it because he’ll think I’m nuts, and I’m scared to go to sleep because I keep ending up back there and none of this would have happened if I’d just listened to Uncle Nate, and I thought after last night I was getting better but I’m not.” He put a hand over hers, an echo of the gesture she’d made to him in Limbo. “Thanks for doing it though.”
She managed to meet his eyes at last, but shook her head. “It didn’t help.”
He gripped her hand tighter. “But I’d really like it if you did it again. I really needed the sleep, and I do feel better. Even if it wasn’t me doing it, at least I didn’t have to…”
Pride was abandoned. Izzy could see the desperation in his eyes and feel the trembling in his hands. “Please don’t make me go back to her. Please come back. You’re amazing, and incredible, and I wish I could do what you can do but I can’t. Please.”
A few more tears rolled down Izzy’s face as she thought of a future that she’d once dared to hope for for a few precious hours until it had been snatched away. But Raven was gone, and no matter how much it hurt, she was still here.
Izzy wiped away the tears, took a deep breath, and looked Zack in the eye.
“I’ll teach you.”