Personal log, Zatti.
No time for whiskey. Agent Flamingo got in touch to give us our orders. We only had one day before the arrival of the royal party, and we needed to be ready. Queen Stefani was going to attack her own citizens, then disappear. We had to make that happen.
We came up with a two-pronged approach, meaning that if one part went wrong we still had the other to fall back on.
Plan A was to drug the Queen. Voahk had spotted some tranq rifle darts for sale in one of the shops, and Wuzu was confident he could find out some kind of drug that would send her into a murderous rage. He went off to engage in some bribery and shopping, while Voahk went shopping, returning with the darts, but inexplicably without the tranq rifle to actually shoot them out of. Something about them being sold out.
With any attempt to insert drugged darts from close range liable to result in flat Noghris, we decided the best approach was to throw the darts from the water tower as the procession passed by. Clearly this would need practice. We got Voahk onto a suitably tall roof and he got to work. Naturally this attracted attention from the bread helmets. I was going to try to talk them into believing this was a completely harmless cultural practice, but before I got the chance, Voahk decided to talk to them. I quietly sloped off instead. They all showed up again later, so presumably they wriggled out of trouble somehow.
Plan B was to hack into the Queen's wheelchair, allowing us to control her remotely. The communications tower from where I broadcast those holovids seemed like the best place to send the hack from, as it would have high signal strength and good range, but I didn't particularly want to be there during the procession. So Aoghri and me tried to sneak in.
We proved significantly less sneaky than in the daytime, so it was quite a relief, rather than a hinderance, when the rest of the group showed up. The space port guard questioned us. Once again Voahk tried to explain himself, but I shoved him out of the way and apologised to the guard, explaining that my friends were all really stupid and I was just here to take them home.
He didn't buy it. Amazing, given the great efforts the team were making to sound like idiots, but fortunately Wuzu showed up at that point and distracted them.
"What do you mean? They can't speak."
He must have short circuited something in the guard's brain. I wasn't complaining. In fact, I was not speaking at all, while Gax made weird chattering noises.
With the guard now convinced that we were a group of brain damaged children on some kind of school trip, we were offered a tour, which Wuzu accepted. It was a very interesting tour, pointing out all kinds of exciting pieces of communication technology, which the others entirely failed to appreciate, but they did manage to cause enough of a distraction that I was able to get my remote hack installed while the guard was looking the other way.
With plans A and B both ready, there was just the small matter of getting Voahk onto the water tower without causing suspicion. I suggested bunting.
I have to admit, my team have hidden depths. Not only is Aoghri a superb artist, but it turns out Voahk has a real talent for making bunting. It was beautiful, with alternating images of bread helmets and hearts, and occasional slogans like 'We love Queen Stefani' and 'Down with Wanksy'.
The morning of the procession dawned and we got into position. I was in the shuttle, connected to the space port communications tower, with Wuzu for backup. Gax and Aoghri were positioned in the crowd, with Gax keeping an eye on the area of the water tower and Aoghri ready to follow the Queen if necessary. Voahk had his bunting and was ready to climb the water tower.
Guards showed up, wanting to know what he was doing. I'd made sure that he had the drugged dart concealed in the bunting. He handed them the other bundle of bunting to examine, and they were so impressed by his skilled depiction of their bread helmets that they bought his story and let him climb up and start decorating.
With much fanfare, the royal party arrived. Queen Stefani emerged from the ship, with her hair skillfully styled into the shape of a bicorn hat and her wheelchair gleaming. Her handmaids followed, each wearing a superbly crafted bicorn decorated with such detail that even over the remote link I was using, I think I could see the individual strands of hair.
I watched as the procession approached the water tower. The moment came for Voahk to throw the dart and...nothing. He missed! Even after all that practice! How in the name of Lord Vader did he miss?
I saw Gax bend down to pick something up off the ground and throw. And moments later Queen Stefani began frothing at the mouth.
It was really very impressive, all the things she could do with that wheelchair. As she fired rockets into the crowd, I began the hack to take control of it. Getting into the arms and primary weapon systems wasn't too hard, although disappointingly by the time I did she was all out of rockets.
Gax and Aoghri now had to dodge the derranged Queen as she activated her disruptor nipples and began firing blasts into the crowd. I was at work on the legs and secondary weapons, which proved to have a significantly more tangled architecture. All I could do to help at this point was to move the arms to cover the disruptors, incidentally making her look rather modest.
I was still wrestling for control when I realised she'd deployed yet another weapon. With Gax now facing down her crotch gun I moved an arm again to cover it, making her look even more modest. At least until she fired anyway, and shot her own arm off.
I was down to only one arm and no weapons at this point, but finally I managed to figure out what was going on with the legs and took full control. I steered her away from Gax, through the shanty town and out into the desert.
We gathered once more at the shuttle. It was time to get off this horrible little moon.
Gannis the slicer dropped by. He'd hacked the data tablet and pulled a bunch of interesting information about our home planet. He was also interested in changing ships.
Wuzu negotiated the sale. Gannis got the lambda shuttle we'd been using (with some recent repairs to the rear). We got a Firespray, and a pile of cash. We climbed aboard and took off, making only a brief stop in the desert to pick up what was left of Queen Stefani.
As we flew away we saw the lambda shuttle take off, and shortly afterwards, explode from a shot we didn't even see coming.
Having confirmed with Agent Flamingo that we had completed our mission successfully, we spaced Queen Stefani and had a decent look at the content of the data tablet. Which made me glad I still had that whiskey.
I had always believed that Lord Vader was working to restore the ecosystem of Honoghr, so that some day we could return home. On the tablet was evidence that Vader's restoration teams were really there to ensure the planet stayed poisoned, so that we would remain bound to his service.
And at that point, the strange cube that we'd picked up in Ford Harrison's office began talking to me. And what it said was one word.
Vengeance.
Showing posts with label Noghri Death Squad. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Noghri Death Squad. Show all posts
Saturday, 2 November 2019
Thursday, 31 October 2019
Noghri Death Squad, part 7: Let's go with 'handmaid orgy'
Personal log, Zatti.
Operation Foment Rebellion continues. The others came up with plans that largely seem to involve wearing people's faces. While I have no problems with this, I felt that a multi-pronged approach would be more effective.
Vesk went looking for a slicer to unlock the data pad he had. I suggested he go to the bar and look for a man with long hair in a black t-shirt. Success! Once Gannis the slicer had unlocked the data pad, I paid him to create some fake holovids depicting some of the salacious rumours that 'Wanksy' had been painting on the walls.
He produced two videos. 'Spinebreaker', depicting Lord Vader doing unspeakable things to Queen Stefani, resulting in her needing the wheelchair, and 'Handmaid Orgy', fairly self explanatory. The others joked about them being for my own personal use. Honestly! What kind of pervert do they think I am? There are humans in those holovids! Gross.
I waited until dark, then stealthed my way into the communication tower, sliced into the broadcasting equipment, and deployed my holovids. All undetected! Nerve-wracking, knowing I could be found at any time and that my combat efficiency without the rest of my team is significantly diminished, but I got the job done.
The others were busy too. Aoghri did some more Wanksy graffiti, which was honestly a work of art, to the point where I was wondering if it might get some kind of preservation order put on it. The way he rendered the bread helmets of the royal guards was quite exquisite.
Wuzu went shopping, and came back with what I think was some kind of weaponised coffee grinder for Vesk. (It's possible I may not be very good at identifying tools.)
Vhoak headed out into the desert and killed some kind of large monster. Apparently you can get paid for that kind of thing. He did look a bit squished when he got back.
Tensions were high, and it was only one day before the royal visit, but we had other things to worry about. Oobidoo Abida was not happy about us killing a bunch of his people, and had sent a squad to take us out. We learned of their arrival when they exploded a hole in the back of our shuttle. Bastards!
I opened up the entry hatch, so that if anyone threw a grenade into the back of the shuttle it could roll right through and out again at the front. What it actually did was reveal a group of Oobidoo's Barabel goons.
I'm glad to say that I maintained maximum combat efficiency in the resulting fight, putting the disruptor pistol to good use and neatly dodging the Barabel's attacks. They appeared to have prepared rather badly, bring insufficient ammunition and shoddy weaponry. Not quite as badly as Voahk, who had not yet recovered from fighting giant monsters in the desert and spent most of the fight horizontal. Wuzu took a different approach, and persuaded one of the Barabels that it was in his best interests to leave before any of us got to him.
We hadn't taken on a group of this size before, and it was a very stressful experience, with blaster fire flying in all directions. Aoghri and me were constantly dodging projectiles, and throwing yourself around like that while maintaining cover is exhausting. By the time we'd made a substantial dent in the opposition, I was on the point of passing out and Aoghri was running out of working limbs. But as I was about to collapse, the lead Barabel threw a smoke grenade, shouted some macho crap about how we 'hadn't seen the last of Shank', and sodded off.
The remaining two Barabels surrendered. We promptly executed them, as is the Noghri way.
Probably shouldn't go to the bar right now, given how they feel about us doing surgery on the tables. Could really use a martini right now. Although, come to think of it, I do have a bottle of Corellian whiskey in my bag. Maybe it will be friends with me?
Operation Foment Rebellion continues. The others came up with plans that largely seem to involve wearing people's faces. While I have no problems with this, I felt that a multi-pronged approach would be more effective.
Vesk went looking for a slicer to unlock the data pad he had. I suggested he go to the bar and look for a man with long hair in a black t-shirt. Success! Once Gannis the slicer had unlocked the data pad, I paid him to create some fake holovids depicting some of the salacious rumours that 'Wanksy' had been painting on the walls.
He produced two videos. 'Spinebreaker', depicting Lord Vader doing unspeakable things to Queen Stefani, resulting in her needing the wheelchair, and 'Handmaid Orgy', fairly self explanatory. The others joked about them being for my own personal use. Honestly! What kind of pervert do they think I am? There are humans in those holovids! Gross.
I waited until dark, then stealthed my way into the communication tower, sliced into the broadcasting equipment, and deployed my holovids. All undetected! Nerve-wracking, knowing I could be found at any time and that my combat efficiency without the rest of my team is significantly diminished, but I got the job done.
The others were busy too. Aoghri did some more Wanksy graffiti, which was honestly a work of art, to the point where I was wondering if it might get some kind of preservation order put on it. The way he rendered the bread helmets of the royal guards was quite exquisite.
Wuzu went shopping, and came back with what I think was some kind of weaponised coffee grinder for Vesk. (It's possible I may not be very good at identifying tools.)
Vhoak headed out into the desert and killed some kind of large monster. Apparently you can get paid for that kind of thing. He did look a bit squished when he got back.
Tensions were high, and it was only one day before the royal visit, but we had other things to worry about. Oobidoo Abida was not happy about us killing a bunch of his people, and had sent a squad to take us out. We learned of their arrival when they exploded a hole in the back of our shuttle. Bastards!
I opened up the entry hatch, so that if anyone threw a grenade into the back of the shuttle it could roll right through and out again at the front. What it actually did was reveal a group of Oobidoo's Barabel goons.
I'm glad to say that I maintained maximum combat efficiency in the resulting fight, putting the disruptor pistol to good use and neatly dodging the Barabel's attacks. They appeared to have prepared rather badly, bring insufficient ammunition and shoddy weaponry. Not quite as badly as Voahk, who had not yet recovered from fighting giant monsters in the desert and spent most of the fight horizontal. Wuzu took a different approach, and persuaded one of the Barabels that it was in his best interests to leave before any of us got to him.
We hadn't taken on a group of this size before, and it was a very stressful experience, with blaster fire flying in all directions. Aoghri and me were constantly dodging projectiles, and throwing yourself around like that while maintaining cover is exhausting. By the time we'd made a substantial dent in the opposition, I was on the point of passing out and Aoghri was running out of working limbs. But as I was about to collapse, the lead Barabel threw a smoke grenade, shouted some macho crap about how we 'hadn't seen the last of Shank', and sodded off.
The remaining two Barabels surrendered. We promptly executed them, as is the Noghri way.
Probably shouldn't go to the bar right now, given how they feel about us doing surgery on the tables. Could really use a martini right now. Although, come to think of it, I do have a bottle of Corellian whiskey in my bag. Maybe it will be friends with me?
Tuesday, 29 October 2019
Noghri Death Squad, part 6: Facilitating atrocities
Personal log, Zatti.
It was unfortunate losing BS-OJ and Gax, but fortunately we found some prisoners at the base and took them with us. Voahk is another Noghri who enjoys shooting things, and Wuzu is...actually I'm not sure what he is, but he claims to be a professional shopper, so if I ever decide to acquire things by spending money on them he'll be very useful.
We loaded the speeder bikes into the shuttle, checked it for bombs and tracking devices, and then flew away, blowing up the base behind us.
We headed for Restus, where we had no trouble landing due to being in a legitimate Empire ship that had been stolen by the rebels. Time to foment rebellion!
It was at about this point that I realised I had entirely misunderstood the mission parameters, and we were actually supposed to be stirring up rebellion against the Empire to give the Empire an excuse to come in and deal with the Naboo royal family.
Vesk and me weren't feeling too well after the fight at the base, but it turns out Voahk is slightly better at doctoring than Gax was, and he managed to get us all fixed up again. Wuzu went shopping and sold all the speeder bikes. I had a feeling that might not be the best idea, but I didn't find out until it was too late as I was off doing my own bit towards rebellion: stealing stuff and planting evidence. I got away with a digital lock pick and some Corellian whiskey.
I was right about selling the bikes being a bad idea, because while I was back at the shuttle playing with my new lock pick, the others went out for a drink and got attacked by Oobidoo Abidaa, the head of the Backstreet Magpies, and some of his gang, who wanted to know why we hadn't killed that smuggler yet and what had happened to the speeder bikes they loaned us. Fortunately the team is maintaining maximum combat efficiency and dealt with the problem effectively, although they did later get thrown out of the bar for performing surgery on the tables, as is the Noghri way.
Vesk and Aoghri got a head start on the rebellion fomenting, by doing some graffiti. Using some stencils and the pseudonym 'Wanksy' they adorned the walls of Restus with pictures of Lord Vader and Queen Stefani, with some appropriate commentary.
We came up with a plan that initially involved stealing the guards' uniforms, disguising ourselves as guards, and going and committing some atrocities in the local shanty town that we were already blaming for the graffiti. This was then refined into getting the guardsmen drunk, convincing them to go to the shanty town, and trying to spark trouble when they got there.
I went back to the bar with Wuzu, and assisted him with negotiating with the guards. They proved easily persuadable, and soon they and their bread helmets were heading for the shanty town, while I got on the dark space web to find some salacious gossip about Queen Stefani that Vesk and Aoghri could add to their graffiti.
Voahk headed stealthily to the shanty town (at least I assume that's where he went, as I certainly didn't see him go) to throw rocks and kick off a riot, which from what I heard later went very well, with plentiful acts of brutality being committed by the royal guards. Combined with the truly disgusting things written about the Queen on the walls, I think everyone is going to be appropriately pissed off when she arrives for her royal visit, and we will soon achieve our goals. Glory to Lord Vader!
...That is our goal, right?
How many martinis did Wuzu buy me?
*thud*
It was unfortunate losing BS-OJ and Gax, but fortunately we found some prisoners at the base and took them with us. Voahk is another Noghri who enjoys shooting things, and Wuzu is...actually I'm not sure what he is, but he claims to be a professional shopper, so if I ever decide to acquire things by spending money on them he'll be very useful.
We loaded the speeder bikes into the shuttle, checked it for bombs and tracking devices, and then flew away, blowing up the base behind us.
We headed for Restus, where we had no trouble landing due to being in a legitimate Empire ship that had been stolen by the rebels. Time to foment rebellion!
It was at about this point that I realised I had entirely misunderstood the mission parameters, and we were actually supposed to be stirring up rebellion against the Empire to give the Empire an excuse to come in and deal with the Naboo royal family.
Vesk and me weren't feeling too well after the fight at the base, but it turns out Voahk is slightly better at doctoring than Gax was, and he managed to get us all fixed up again. Wuzu went shopping and sold all the speeder bikes. I had a feeling that might not be the best idea, but I didn't find out until it was too late as I was off doing my own bit towards rebellion: stealing stuff and planting evidence. I got away with a digital lock pick and some Corellian whiskey.
I was right about selling the bikes being a bad idea, because while I was back at the shuttle playing with my new lock pick, the others went out for a drink and got attacked by Oobidoo Abidaa, the head of the Backstreet Magpies, and some of his gang, who wanted to know why we hadn't killed that smuggler yet and what had happened to the speeder bikes they loaned us. Fortunately the team is maintaining maximum combat efficiency and dealt with the problem effectively, although they did later get thrown out of the bar for performing surgery on the tables, as is the Noghri way.
Vesk and Aoghri got a head start on the rebellion fomenting, by doing some graffiti. Using some stencils and the pseudonym 'Wanksy' they adorned the walls of Restus with pictures of Lord Vader and Queen Stefani, with some appropriate commentary.
We came up with a plan that initially involved stealing the guards' uniforms, disguising ourselves as guards, and going and committing some atrocities in the local shanty town that we were already blaming for the graffiti. This was then refined into getting the guardsmen drunk, convincing them to go to the shanty town, and trying to spark trouble when they got there.
I went back to the bar with Wuzu, and assisted him with negotiating with the guards. They proved easily persuadable, and soon they and their bread helmets were heading for the shanty town, while I got on the dark space web to find some salacious gossip about Queen Stefani that Vesk and Aoghri could add to their graffiti.
Voahk headed stealthily to the shanty town (at least I assume that's where he went, as I certainly didn't see him go) to throw rocks and kick off a riot, which from what I heard later went very well, with plentiful acts of brutality being committed by the royal guards. Combined with the truly disgusting things written about the Queen on the walls, I think everyone is going to be appropriately pissed off when she arrives for her royal visit, and we will soon achieve our goals. Glory to Lord Vader!
...That is our goal, right?
How many martinis did Wuzu buy me?
*thud*
Sunday, 27 October 2019
Noghri Death Squad, part 5: Combat efficiency
Time to shut down this rebel base! I did a brilliant job on the
communication array, making it look like outgoing communications were
being sent, but in fact we were completely cut off from the outside.
We then made our way to the officer's quarters to see what we could find there. Gax and me took one room, while Vesk, Aoghri and a temporarily shut down and in a box BS-OJ took the other. While Gax and me were completely silent, the other group ran straight into a group of maintenance droids.
I didn't want to let a bunch of rebel droids distract me from the mission. All the same, my first attempt to open the door failed. I got it open on the second attempt, but it opened rather suddenly, and I embarrassingly faceplanted straight through the doorway, in front of the station commander Ford Harrison.
Gax opened fire, and I nimbly leapt up and shot Harrison with my sonic blaster, disorienting him and incidentally destroying the desk he was using as cover. Unfortunately he then shot me back with a disruptor pistol, which significantly impacted my combat capabilities, leading to my choice to make a tactical retreat.
Right, who said 'coward'? I'll bite your knees off!
...Ahem.
The fight with the maintenance droids didn't seem to be going too well, and I was in no position to improve it, so I slipped away out of sight and used another stim pack. After looping around I was able to meet up with Vesk again, who had just demonstrated a superb example of a stealth take-down on Ford Harrison by emerging from a ventilation shaft that he had definitely not been hiding in. He relieved Harrison of his disruptor pistol and handed it to me.
We then heard a loud noise, that sounded rather like a thermal detonator going off. It didn't seem like a particularly sensible choice to run towards the sound of an explosion, but we did anyway. There we found:
The almost obliterated remains of two droids.
A fine smear of red mist across the walls, which we assumed to be Gax.
BS-OJ, lying on the floor.
Another droid, vigorously beating BS-OJ with a shock stick of some kind.
The unconscious body of Aoghri.
I raised the disruptor pistol and disintegrated the droid. I love this pistol. Since acquiring first the sonic blaster and now this disruptor pistol my combat efficiency has improved significantly. Vesk says the pistol is illegal, but then, so are we.
Unfortunately, BS-OJ had already been smashed and electrocuted beyond repair, but we were able to get Aoghri back up again with the aid of a stim pack. Together we searched Harrison's office, where we found a glowing cube that talked. It said we should check the computer. So I did, and found some very exciting battle reports, plus some encrypted information on our home planet. Something to look at later. For now, we're going to properly loot this base, rescue any Imperial prisoners who might be locked up here, and then blow the place apart.
We then made our way to the officer's quarters to see what we could find there. Gax and me took one room, while Vesk, Aoghri and a temporarily shut down and in a box BS-OJ took the other. While Gax and me were completely silent, the other group ran straight into a group of maintenance droids.
I didn't want to let a bunch of rebel droids distract me from the mission. All the same, my first attempt to open the door failed. I got it open on the second attempt, but it opened rather suddenly, and I embarrassingly faceplanted straight through the doorway, in front of the station commander Ford Harrison.
Gax opened fire, and I nimbly leapt up and shot Harrison with my sonic blaster, disorienting him and incidentally destroying the desk he was using as cover. Unfortunately he then shot me back with a disruptor pistol, which significantly impacted my combat capabilities, leading to my choice to make a tactical retreat.
Right, who said 'coward'? I'll bite your knees off!
...Ahem.
The fight with the maintenance droids didn't seem to be going too well, and I was in no position to improve it, so I slipped away out of sight and used another stim pack. After looping around I was able to meet up with Vesk again, who had just demonstrated a superb example of a stealth take-down on Ford Harrison by emerging from a ventilation shaft that he had definitely not been hiding in. He relieved Harrison of his disruptor pistol and handed it to me.
We then heard a loud noise, that sounded rather like a thermal detonator going off. It didn't seem like a particularly sensible choice to run towards the sound of an explosion, but we did anyway. There we found:
The almost obliterated remains of two droids.
A fine smear of red mist across the walls, which we assumed to be Gax.
BS-OJ, lying on the floor.
Another droid, vigorously beating BS-OJ with a shock stick of some kind.
The unconscious body of Aoghri.
I raised the disruptor pistol and disintegrated the droid. I love this pistol. Since acquiring first the sonic blaster and now this disruptor pistol my combat efficiency has improved significantly. Vesk says the pistol is illegal, but then, so are we.
Unfortunately, BS-OJ had already been smashed and electrocuted beyond repair, but we were able to get Aoghri back up again with the aid of a stim pack. Together we searched Harrison's office, where we found a glowing cube that talked. It said we should check the computer. So I did, and found some very exciting battle reports, plus some encrypted information on our home planet. Something to look at later. For now, we're going to properly loot this base, rescue any Imperial prisoners who might be locked up here, and then blow the place apart.
Friday, 25 October 2019
Noghri Death Squad part 4: Womp rat day
Personal log, Zatti.
Woke up, feeling great! Why are the speeder bikes still running? Oh no, giant monsters! BS-OJ has got in a box. Giant monsters are bullet proof and have knocked over a speeder bike. I'm going to pick it up and leave. Dammit, giant monsters have crushed the speeder bike. Best bet is to make like Aoghri and try to get picked up as Vesk drives past.
Personal log, Zatti.
Woke up, feeling great! Why are the speeder bikes still running? Oh well, time to continue fomenting rebellion for the glory of Lord Vader. Oh no, giant monsters!
Personal log, Zatti.
Woke up, feeling great! Why are the speeder bikes still running? Everyone is keen to get on them. Oh no, giant monsters!
Personal log, Zatti.
Woke up, feeling great! Why are the speeder bikes still running? Everyone is keen to get on them. Let's get out of here!
Personal log, Zatti.
Woke up, feeling great! We've made it to the city and I'm ready to make trouble! Except that filthy droid, MX-XP is back in a new body, along with a friend. Mass shooting occurred. I failed to hit either droid with my speeder bike guns, but did inspire the others to perform better before switching to my new sonic blaster. We smashed those droids to bits, as is the Noghri way.
...Huh? Glass? Bacta?
Personal log, Zatti.
Woke up, feeling great! Why are the speeder bikes still running? I appear to be alone. Bastards are having a laugh at my expense. Just because I couldn't steer a jetpack. I'm a lot better at driving now. Oh no, giant monsters!
Personal log, Zatti.
Woke up, feeling angry!
Resisted the urge to smash my way out of the bacta tank, as is the Noghri way (as already demonstrated by some of my colleagues) and activated the emergency exit functionality. Spilled out in a massive puddle of bacta and threw a punch at one of the filthy rebels. Missed, but did inspire the others to beat him to death.
BS-OJ was on a table, missing his limbs. GET YOUR FILTHY HANDS OFF MY DROID I didn't say, because I was being shot by a Twi'lek, but fortunately Vesk and Aoghri had things well in hand. Once all but one of the rebel scum were dead we were able to convince him to put BS-OJ's limbs back on.
Gax did some doctoring, but was pretty rubbish at patching up 'shot by Twi'lek' wounds and I had to resort to stim packs again.
So here we are at Whisper Base, ready to take out their communications and hopefully deal with MX-XP once and for all. If I get my hands on him I'm reprogramming him into a toaster.
Woke up, feeling great! Why are the speeder bikes still running? Oh no, giant monsters! BS-OJ has got in a box. Giant monsters are bullet proof and have knocked over a speeder bike. I'm going to pick it up and leave. Dammit, giant monsters have crushed the speeder bike. Best bet is to make like Aoghri and try to get picked up as Vesk drives past.
Personal log, Zatti.
Woke up, feeling great! Why are the speeder bikes still running? Oh well, time to continue fomenting rebellion for the glory of Lord Vader. Oh no, giant monsters!
Personal log, Zatti.
Woke up, feeling great! Why are the speeder bikes still running? Everyone is keen to get on them. Oh no, giant monsters!
Personal log, Zatti.
Woke up, feeling great! Why are the speeder bikes still running? Everyone is keen to get on them. Let's get out of here!
Personal log, Zatti.
Woke up, feeling great! We've made it to the city and I'm ready to make trouble! Except that filthy droid, MX-XP is back in a new body, along with a friend. Mass shooting occurred. I failed to hit either droid with my speeder bike guns, but did inspire the others to perform better before switching to my new sonic blaster. We smashed those droids to bits, as is the Noghri way.
...Huh? Glass? Bacta?
Personal log, Zatti.
Woke up, feeling great! Why are the speeder bikes still running? I appear to be alone. Bastards are having a laugh at my expense. Just because I couldn't steer a jetpack. I'm a lot better at driving now. Oh no, giant monsters!
Personal log, Zatti.
Woke up, feeling angry!
Resisted the urge to smash my way out of the bacta tank, as is the Noghri way (as already demonstrated by some of my colleagues) and activated the emergency exit functionality. Spilled out in a massive puddle of bacta and threw a punch at one of the filthy rebels. Missed, but did inspire the others to beat him to death.
BS-OJ was on a table, missing his limbs. GET YOUR FILTHY HANDS OFF MY DROID I didn't say, because I was being shot by a Twi'lek, but fortunately Vesk and Aoghri had things well in hand. Once all but one of the rebel scum were dead we were able to convince him to put BS-OJ's limbs back on.
Gax did some doctoring, but was pretty rubbish at patching up 'shot by Twi'lek' wounds and I had to resort to stim packs again.
So here we are at Whisper Base, ready to take out their communications and hopefully deal with MX-XP once and for all. If I get my hands on him I'm reprogramming him into a toaster.
Wednesday, 23 October 2019
Noghri Death Squad, part 3: Wheeee!
Wheeeeeeee!
Oh yes, personal log, Zatti.
Out of that horrible little town. Feeling a lot better. And we're going to do what we came here to do - head to the city and foment rebellion!
Message from Agent Flamingo. Strange goings on at a nearby base. Advised to stay away. Gax wanted to investigate, but Vhesk and me are feeling unusually strong willed, and refused. We had a job to do.
Looking at a map, we could see the quickest way to the city was to get on our speeder bikes and drive them along the river.
Wheeeeeee!
We set off with Gax taking the lead, closely followed by Vhesk, Aoghri and me. (I have no idea where the diplobot got to, after Aoghri found his restraining bolt, but doubtless he'll show up again eventually.)
Gax took an early lead through the rapids, while Vhesk made solid progress ahead of me. Aoghri collided with an overhanging branch, but somehow managed to style it out, performing an apparently effortless somersault over the branch and landing perfectly back on the bike. Unfortunately I wasn't quite so lucky, slamming straight into a branch, which left me...well, let's just say that after surviving both being shot by own of my team and light sabered by a jedi, it would have been very embarrassing if I'd happened to collide with any more branches.
But I didn't. Instead I stylishly took the next turn with immaculate form and balance, slapping a stim pack into myself with one hand and gunning the throttle with the other. Round the corner I could see Gax using the speeder bike weapons to gun down some filthy rebels who were attempting to shoot at us from the top of the gorge, performing a perfect 360 as he trained the guns on them.
Aoghri shot past me and up the side of the gorge, executing a spin that lined him up to rejoin us, while Vhesk vanished from sight as he sped up the opposite bank. I took the next turn at speed, spraying water in a sparkling fan as I caught sight of Gax again.
Vhesk reached the top of the cliff and slammed his bike straight into one of the remaining rebels, who plummeted off the cliff as Aoghri rejoined us from the other side. Moments later, Vhesk flew off the cliff, executing a perfect landing at the front of the group.
Wheeeeeeeeee!
Further down the river and closer to the city we stopped for a rest and to allow Gax to patch up his speeder bike, which had taken some damage from the rebels' gunfire. But we soon realised we had company incoming. Vhesk and me built a barricade using our speeder bikes, while Aoghri dived into some bushes.
Down a slope came a gang of filthy rebel scum on speeder bikes, accompanied by a droid that we recognised at once as MX-XP.
The filthy rebel scum proved basically irrelevant as Aoghri, now completely hidden from side, lobbed a bunch of grenades out of the bushes and took out all of them. The droid was more of an issue.
Gax and me fired from behind our speeder bike cover, with Gax effectively taking out the droid's own speeder bike. Vhesk lept out to engage him in combat. He promptly broke both his molecular shiv and his vibro-knife on the droid's shielding, and had to resort to using his Noghri teeth and claws. The rest of us kept firing, despite the disorienting noise from the droid's sonic blaster. Gax slammed rifle fire into him. I managed one perfectly aimed shot and disoriented him right back, although I did get knocked over by the blaster's kick back.
We took him down. An X-wing was hovering overhead, and as he was about to break we heard him begin to upload himself from his body into the X-wing. Vhesk jumped into action to disrupt the upload. We saw the X-wing stop, hovering in the air for a few moments, spin round a couple of times, then fly away.
On to the city now, to spread stories of how the evil rebel droid MX-XP brutally slaughtered a group of innocent people and how only the might of the Empire can protect them from such atrocities.
We might need the diplobot for that. I wonder if I can reprogram him a bit?
Oh yes, personal log, Zatti.
Out of that horrible little town. Feeling a lot better. And we're going to do what we came here to do - head to the city and foment rebellion!
Message from Agent Flamingo. Strange goings on at a nearby base. Advised to stay away. Gax wanted to investigate, but Vhesk and me are feeling unusually strong willed, and refused. We had a job to do.
Looking at a map, we could see the quickest way to the city was to get on our speeder bikes and drive them along the river.
Wheeeeeee!
We set off with Gax taking the lead, closely followed by Vhesk, Aoghri and me. (I have no idea where the diplobot got to, after Aoghri found his restraining bolt, but doubtless he'll show up again eventually.)
Gax took an early lead through the rapids, while Vhesk made solid progress ahead of me. Aoghri collided with an overhanging branch, but somehow managed to style it out, performing an apparently effortless somersault over the branch and landing perfectly back on the bike. Unfortunately I wasn't quite so lucky, slamming straight into a branch, which left me...well, let's just say that after surviving both being shot by own of my team and light sabered by a jedi, it would have been very embarrassing if I'd happened to collide with any more branches.
But I didn't. Instead I stylishly took the next turn with immaculate form and balance, slapping a stim pack into myself with one hand and gunning the throttle with the other. Round the corner I could see Gax using the speeder bike weapons to gun down some filthy rebels who were attempting to shoot at us from the top of the gorge, performing a perfect 360 as he trained the guns on them.
Aoghri shot past me and up the side of the gorge, executing a spin that lined him up to rejoin us, while Vhesk vanished from sight as he sped up the opposite bank. I took the next turn at speed, spraying water in a sparkling fan as I caught sight of Gax again.
Vhesk reached the top of the cliff and slammed his bike straight into one of the remaining rebels, who plummeted off the cliff as Aoghri rejoined us from the other side. Moments later, Vhesk flew off the cliff, executing a perfect landing at the front of the group.
Wheeeeeeeeee!
Further down the river and closer to the city we stopped for a rest and to allow Gax to patch up his speeder bike, which had taken some damage from the rebels' gunfire. But we soon realised we had company incoming. Vhesk and me built a barricade using our speeder bikes, while Aoghri dived into some bushes.
Down a slope came a gang of filthy rebel scum on speeder bikes, accompanied by a droid that we recognised at once as MX-XP.
The filthy rebel scum proved basically irrelevant as Aoghri, now completely hidden from side, lobbed a bunch of grenades out of the bushes and took out all of them. The droid was more of an issue.
Gax and me fired from behind our speeder bike cover, with Gax effectively taking out the droid's own speeder bike. Vhesk lept out to engage him in combat. He promptly broke both his molecular shiv and his vibro-knife on the droid's shielding, and had to resort to using his Noghri teeth and claws. The rest of us kept firing, despite the disorienting noise from the droid's sonic blaster. Gax slammed rifle fire into him. I managed one perfectly aimed shot and disoriented him right back, although I did get knocked over by the blaster's kick back.
We took him down. An X-wing was hovering overhead, and as he was about to break we heard him begin to upload himself from his body into the X-wing. Vhesk jumped into action to disrupt the upload. We saw the X-wing stop, hovering in the air for a few moments, spin round a couple of times, then fly away.
On to the city now, to spread stories of how the evil rebel droid MX-XP brutally slaughtered a group of innocent people and how only the might of the Empire can protect them from such atrocities.
We might need the diplobot for that. I wonder if I can reprogram him a bit?
Monday, 21 October 2019
Noghri Death Squad, part 2: Bad few days
Personal log, Zatti.
Bad few days.
Long walk. Tired.
Trail of destruction through the jungle. Looked promising. Followed. Splattered corpse. Certainly looked like my team's style. Tracked them to a cave that was about to be attacked by space bats. Lacking equipment, attempted to punch a bat. Failed. Not a problem, as the others emerged and stabbed them up, getting covered in neurotoxin in the process.
Not a problem for me, anyway.
---
Feeling much better after getting some rest and my stuff back. I'm ready to break locks, infiltrate facilities and hack computers! Except we're still in the jungle and the only electronic thing around is BS-OJ, and after the way he's been oiling himself I don't want to touch him.
It seems I ran into the team in the middle of carrying out another task on our list: finding a rogue Jedi. There's something weird going on at a nearby village, so I stealthed my way down to take a look at the medical centre. Comparing notes afterwards it was clear something was badly wrong here, with villagers acting peculiarly and sometimes disappearing entirely.
We're going to take a group trip into the village to try to get some clear answers.
---
With hindsight, perhaps going to the village like that wasn't the best idea, but something had happened to my brain that was stopping me making good decisions, and I have no reason to believe the same thing wasn't happening to the others. I'm a bit confused about what happened next. I think I wanted to go to the temple but wasn't allowed. The next thing I'm clear about was being strapped to a chair, which isn't normally the way round that kind of thing happens, but I was feeling like myself again so I wasn't going to complain.
Clarice, the woman in the medical centre wanted someone to find her missing husband. Naturally we had more important things to concern ourselves with than hunting for missing persons, but I had a hunch that we might end up finding him anyway.
With only 24 hours until we risked having the medical treatment wear off and succumbing to brain rot again, we had to work fast. The temple seemed like the best place to look for a rogue jedi, given that all of us who had fallen victim to brain rot had wanted to go there. Taking advantage of disease to strengthen filthy Jedi mind tricks sounded like just the kind of thing a rogue Jedi might get up to.
Realising that I'd been the victim of disgusting non-Vader-sanctioned use of the force made me very angry, so after stealthing into the temple and seeing the jedi converse with BS-OJ I was ready to kill.
Ready, but not able, as the strange chitinous carapace he had grown was deflecting my blaster fire. Gax demonstrated some excellent shooting and shot his light saber right out of his hand, but that did nothing to affect his force powers. I saw him hover in the air and shortly afterwards heard the clang of Noghri on droid as he used his jedi mind tricks to turn one of our own against us. But I didn't have time to think much more about that, because another jedi had arrived.
I realised straight away who it was. Clarice's husband. I didn't have time to say anything though, because he attacked me with his light saber, and moments later I realised that Gax had also succumbed to jedi mind tricks as he turned his rifle on me.
I woke up some time later under the influence of a stim pack, struggling to focus on anything with two massive wounds still visible on me. There were some dead people in the basement, from some kind of experimentation, presumably the work of the rogue jedi given how many of them had chitinous carapace parts. The other jedi had a necklace with pictures of Clarice and her child, so I was right about who he was.
After that we went back to the village, where Aoghri killed Clarice and her child. I wasn't expecting that, but the child was clearly a potential jedi so needed removing. All the same, I've realised just how poorly briefed I was on this mission.
Another item ticked off the list, but I don't think we've done much to foment rebellion, and I can't see anyone in this village being willing to listen, even to our diplobot, after what just happened.
I hate this planet.
What use am I with nothing to slice?
Maybe if I ask nicely BS-OJ will let me look at his circuits.
I can still see where Gax shot me.
I hate jedi.
Foment rebellion. Then we can leave.
Bad few days.
Bad few days.
Long walk. Tired.
Trail of destruction through the jungle. Looked promising. Followed. Splattered corpse. Certainly looked like my team's style. Tracked them to a cave that was about to be attacked by space bats. Lacking equipment, attempted to punch a bat. Failed. Not a problem, as the others emerged and stabbed them up, getting covered in neurotoxin in the process.
Not a problem for me, anyway.
---
Feeling much better after getting some rest and my stuff back. I'm ready to break locks, infiltrate facilities and hack computers! Except we're still in the jungle and the only electronic thing around is BS-OJ, and after the way he's been oiling himself I don't want to touch him.
It seems I ran into the team in the middle of carrying out another task on our list: finding a rogue Jedi. There's something weird going on at a nearby village, so I stealthed my way down to take a look at the medical centre. Comparing notes afterwards it was clear something was badly wrong here, with villagers acting peculiarly and sometimes disappearing entirely.
We're going to take a group trip into the village to try to get some clear answers.
---
With hindsight, perhaps going to the village like that wasn't the best idea, but something had happened to my brain that was stopping me making good decisions, and I have no reason to believe the same thing wasn't happening to the others. I'm a bit confused about what happened next. I think I wanted to go to the temple but wasn't allowed. The next thing I'm clear about was being strapped to a chair, which isn't normally the way round that kind of thing happens, but I was feeling like myself again so I wasn't going to complain.
Clarice, the woman in the medical centre wanted someone to find her missing husband. Naturally we had more important things to concern ourselves with than hunting for missing persons, but I had a hunch that we might end up finding him anyway.
With only 24 hours until we risked having the medical treatment wear off and succumbing to brain rot again, we had to work fast. The temple seemed like the best place to look for a rogue jedi, given that all of us who had fallen victim to brain rot had wanted to go there. Taking advantage of disease to strengthen filthy Jedi mind tricks sounded like just the kind of thing a rogue Jedi might get up to.
Realising that I'd been the victim of disgusting non-Vader-sanctioned use of the force made me very angry, so after stealthing into the temple and seeing the jedi converse with BS-OJ I was ready to kill.
Ready, but not able, as the strange chitinous carapace he had grown was deflecting my blaster fire. Gax demonstrated some excellent shooting and shot his light saber right out of his hand, but that did nothing to affect his force powers. I saw him hover in the air and shortly afterwards heard the clang of Noghri on droid as he used his jedi mind tricks to turn one of our own against us. But I didn't have time to think much more about that, because another jedi had arrived.
I realised straight away who it was. Clarice's husband. I didn't have time to say anything though, because he attacked me with his light saber, and moments later I realised that Gax had also succumbed to jedi mind tricks as he turned his rifle on me.
I woke up some time later under the influence of a stim pack, struggling to focus on anything with two massive wounds still visible on me. There were some dead people in the basement, from some kind of experimentation, presumably the work of the rogue jedi given how many of them had chitinous carapace parts. The other jedi had a necklace with pictures of Clarice and her child, so I was right about who he was.
After that we went back to the village, where Aoghri killed Clarice and her child. I wasn't expecting that, but the child was clearly a potential jedi so needed removing. All the same, I've realised just how poorly briefed I was on this mission.
Another item ticked off the list, but I don't think we've done much to foment rebellion, and I can't see anyone in this village being willing to listen, even to our diplobot, after what just happened.
I hate this planet.
What use am I with nothing to slice?
Maybe if I ask nicely BS-OJ will let me look at his circuits.
I can still see where Gax shot me.
I hate jedi.
Foment rebellion. Then we can leave.
Bad few days.
Saturday, 19 October 2019
Noghri Death Squad, part 1: Is this some kind of game?
My Thursday group are playing Star Wars: Edge of the Empire. It's about as bonkers as our Thursday games normally are...
Honestly, I don't know what the others are complaining about. If
they looked after their electronics properly they wouldn't have these
problems. I mean, mine works and look what just happened to it! Bunch
of technophobe...
...Oh yes, personal log, Zatti.
Having completed a training and assessment exercise, Agent Flamingo has given us our next assignment. And when I say 'assignment', I mean a loosely connected set of different jobs, which all just happen to be on the same planetary system, plus a few extra jobs from various people. What do they think this is, some kind of game?
We contacted the Backstreet Magpies to arrange transfer of our equipment to Rori while we flew in a completely legitimate and non-suspicious way to Naboo.
Job list:
Find out if Queen Stefani's handmaiden Amazonia is still a loyal spy or if she's leaking information.
If she is leaking information, deal with her and frame the Alderan ambassador for it.
Find Gosk, some loser member of our tribe who's failed his mission, and deal with him.
Arrange discreet transport to Rori
Put a stop to Darius Scrive's smuggling operation.
Find a rogue Jedi on Rori.
Foment rebellion on Rori.
Was that all? I think so. I hope so.
We split up to get some of the grunt work done. BS-OJ the diplobot went looking for Amazonia and found she was leaking secrets to the ambassador. Shortly afterwards they both died of poisoning. I was going to try to plant some fake news to make the ambassador look bad, but thanks to some video BS-OJ took, everyone is sufficiently embarrassed already.
We did a bit of shopping, in my case without any transfer of funds being involved, and went after Gosk.
Why this involved crawling down a searing hot ventilation duct I'm not sure, but we successfully got into the prison where he was being held, at the cost of feeling extremely stressed about it. Fortunately there were a lot of blast doors between him and us, and after spending some time hacking the electronic locks I felt a lot better.
I did fail to open the second door, but BS-OJ deployed his fusion cutter and we weren't slowed down for long - just long enough to shoot the guards who found us. Between some more hacking, shooting, stabbing and fusion cutting it wasn't long before we'd retrieved Gosk and were on our way out.
Back to the task list. I was able to tick off several items, which was excellent.
I broke into Darius's house along with Aogrhi, and got shot by a booby-trapped blaster for my trouble. We had a good look around, but unfortunately his datapad turned out to be extremely well protected. Fortunately Aoghri already had plenty of good intel, and after dragging BS-OJ back from another shopping trip to do some negotiation for us, we had transport to Rori arranged on Darius's ship. He was charging far too much, but of course we could always kill or blackmail him later.
We broke atmo on Rori and donned our jetpacks to make our way down to the planet's surface. I was initially descending with the rest of the group in a controlled fashion and on target for the landing zone. And then we hit turbulence.
One moment I was swapping hand signals with the rest of the team as we helped guide each other down. The next I was veering off out of control. Initially I thought I could pull it back together, with some help from the others, but with the descent speed and turbulence getting worse, I ended up losing sight of them and the landing zone entirely.
I've now crashed landed somewhere in the jungles of Rori. I'm in pain, I've no idea where I am, I don't know how to find the rest of the team, and all the gear I've got is what I was carrying during the drop. I don't even know which way to walk to get out of this.
All the same, I've started walking. The team are going to need me back soon. Plus, there might be people in this jungle. I've got a rebellion to foment.
...Oh yes, personal log, Zatti.
Having completed a training and assessment exercise, Agent Flamingo has given us our next assignment. And when I say 'assignment', I mean a loosely connected set of different jobs, which all just happen to be on the same planetary system, plus a few extra jobs from various people. What do they think this is, some kind of game?
We contacted the Backstreet Magpies to arrange transfer of our equipment to Rori while we flew in a completely legitimate and non-suspicious way to Naboo.
Job list:
Find out if Queen Stefani's handmaiden Amazonia is still a loyal spy or if she's leaking information.
If she is leaking information, deal with her and frame the Alderan ambassador for it.
Find Gosk, some loser member of our tribe who's failed his mission, and deal with him.
Arrange discreet transport to Rori
Put a stop to Darius Scrive's smuggling operation.
Find a rogue Jedi on Rori.
Foment rebellion on Rori.
Was that all? I think so. I hope so.
We split up to get some of the grunt work done. BS-OJ the diplobot went looking for Amazonia and found she was leaking secrets to the ambassador. Shortly afterwards they both died of poisoning. I was going to try to plant some fake news to make the ambassador look bad, but thanks to some video BS-OJ took, everyone is sufficiently embarrassed already.
We did a bit of shopping, in my case without any transfer of funds being involved, and went after Gosk.
Why this involved crawling down a searing hot ventilation duct I'm not sure, but we successfully got into the prison where he was being held, at the cost of feeling extremely stressed about it. Fortunately there were a lot of blast doors between him and us, and after spending some time hacking the electronic locks I felt a lot better.
I did fail to open the second door, but BS-OJ deployed his fusion cutter and we weren't slowed down for long - just long enough to shoot the guards who found us. Between some more hacking, shooting, stabbing and fusion cutting it wasn't long before we'd retrieved Gosk and were on our way out.
Back to the task list. I was able to tick off several items, which was excellent.
I broke into Darius's house along with Aogrhi, and got shot by a booby-trapped blaster for my trouble. We had a good look around, but unfortunately his datapad turned out to be extremely well protected. Fortunately Aoghri already had plenty of good intel, and after dragging BS-OJ back from another shopping trip to do some negotiation for us, we had transport to Rori arranged on Darius's ship. He was charging far too much, but of course we could always kill or blackmail him later.
We broke atmo on Rori and donned our jetpacks to make our way down to the planet's surface. I was initially descending with the rest of the group in a controlled fashion and on target for the landing zone. And then we hit turbulence.
One moment I was swapping hand signals with the rest of the team as we helped guide each other down. The next I was veering off out of control. Initially I thought I could pull it back together, with some help from the others, but with the descent speed and turbulence getting worse, I ended up losing sight of them and the landing zone entirely.
I've now crashed landed somewhere in the jungles of Rori. I'm in pain, I've no idea where I am, I don't know how to find the rest of the team, and all the gear I've got is what I was carrying during the drop. I don't even know which way to walk to get out of this.
All the same, I've started walking. The team are going to need me back soon. Plus, there might be people in this jungle. I've got a rebellion to foment.
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