We're playing Thirsty Sword Lesbians at MK-RPG at the moment, in a game called The Three (Thirsty) Musketeers. Given that this looks likely to derail the original tale far beyond the original change of making everyone a woman instead of a cartoon dog, I thought it could use a write-up.
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| What do you mean, this isn't Dumas' original vision? |
Meet our three brave musketeers in the service of Queen Louise.
Katerina (Beast) enjoys drinking, fighting and women, not necessarily in that order. Probably the best fighter of the group, due to her willingness to abandon social norms and fight dirty when required.
Arsene (Infamous) suffers from guilt from his past as a thief, a career that eventually led to murder. He's a reluctant combatant, favouring non-lethal approaches, but nevertheless essential to the party. Being ace, he's frequently the only one able to keep his mind on the job.
Renée (Scoundrel) didn't always plan on being a musketeer. She originally wanted to be a nun, only to get cold feet before taking her vows and retraining as a swordswoman. Even now though, she's not sure she's on the right path, although she's at least enjoying the ride.
The three were out walking one day when suddenly from a nearby building appeared Lady Monique, closely pursued by a group of guards lead by Jussac. Monique threw herself into Katerina's arms, somewhat to the consternation of Renée who had a certain affection for Monique.
Jussac claimed that Monique had stolen some jewels from Queen Anne. This seemed unlikely, but as the others held off the guards, Katerina searched Monique's bag. Much to her surprise, the jewels were there! Katerina, of course, claimed that they were not, and that Monique should be escorted to the palace. Via a series of nods and glances, she communicated to Renée the plan to ensure that Monique arrived at the palace jewel free. Which would have gone splendidly, if Renée hadn't immediately fumbled the jewels...
There was nothing for it. Renée had to defend her lady's honour. She told Monique to run, and drew her sword. Katerina threw herself into battle with Jussac, while Arsene picked up the jewels.
Renée's flamboyant fighting style drew most of the attention off Monique, as she taunted the guards into pursuing her up a statue in the middle of a fountain. Katerina kept Jussac busy, abandoning her sword in favour of bare handedly wrestling her to the ground. Arsene and his sword cane ensured that Monique made her escape.
The fight took rather a long time to finish, what with Katerina and Jussac enjoying themselves rather more than anticipated, and Renée's leap from the statue into the fountain pursued by guards resulting in an impromptu pool party and a demonstration of the transparency of billowy white shirts when soaking wet. Eventually everyone was extricated, and after assuring Jussac that the jewels would be returned to the Queen, the musketeers went on their way.
Passing by an alleyway they were met again by Monique, who went to hug Renée, only to back off again when realising that she was soaking wet. She swore her innocence in the jewel theft, but told them about a Huguenot who had come to the palace to talk to the Queen, and who had brushed passed her while leaving, presumably planting the jewels on Monique as she did so.
This warranted looking into, but first there were some other matters to take care of, such as the jewels, Monique, and the fact that Katerina hadn't had a drink in several hours.
At the pub, Katerina was greeted with a warm welcome, which soon turned out to be due to someone having paid off her rather large tab. Katerina ran through a few possible women, but the landlady was sure it was none of them. She gave a detailed description of the mysterious woman though, as Katerina enjoyed her claret.
Arsene, still in possession of the jewels, made his way quickly to the palace. There was something of an altercation with the palace guards, complicated by the word 'Queen' being a little ambiguous when there was both a Queen Regnant and a Queen Consort, but finally he got to see Queen Anne and return the jewels. Shockingly, he learned that there had been an even worse theft - private letters exchanged between Queen Anne and her brother. It was critical that these were recovered
Renée took Monique back to her lodgings to keep her hidden from the guards until her innocence could be proven. There Monique was a little surprised by the austere decor, with few adornments save for a cross on the wall and a large bible on the table. While Renée got herself cleaned up, they talked about God, faith, and leaving the convent before taking vows, an experience they both shared, although Monique was untroubled by doubt about whether she had made the right choice.
Arsene called on some old underworld contacts to find out more about the Huguenot, and learned she was meeting someone that very night. The three gathered once more, and made their way to the site of a bear baiting ring. Alas, their attempt to enter stealthily was thwarted when Renée jostled someone on the way in, spilling his drink.
Arsene took charge at once, preventing the impending fight by distracting the would-be combatents with drinks. Renée and Katerina moved in on the Huguenot, and were in time to spot her handing a bundle of documents to an unidentified woman - one that Katerina nevertheless recognised from the landlady's description as the one who had paid her bar bill.
In the chaos, the two ran in different directions, with Renée following the Huguenot and Katerina following the mysterious woman. Not with the intention of catching them, but to find out where they were going.
Will Arsene manage to get his companions to stop kissing their enemies long enough to foil whatever dastardly plot is afoot? Only time will tell.
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